Happy Festivus!

After spending eight hours performing feats of strength involving carrying heavy kitchen things,  I've decided it's time for the traditional Airing of Grievances. (What? It's part of Festivus.) Keep in mind that these are just my grievances from today. Some of them will become longer posts later, but here they are, in short form, and in no particular order:

• It is December 23. You will have to wait in a line for a little bit. We are going to be sold out of a lot of stuff. Learn to deal with it or next year, shop early.
• Seven separate transactions on the same credit card, going to the same place...can you really not do the math and figure out how much 6- $1 cookie cutters would be?
• Hey lazy co-worker- perhaps if I'm dealing with the line of 20 angry shoppers, you could walk your happy ass around the counter and get whatever it is you needed on your own.  Maybe while you're back there you could help out with the giant line.
• Oh, and smelly co-worker- Shower. Wash your clothes. And if you “accidentally” touch the side of my breast one more time I will “accidentally” kick you in the balls.
• Finally, both previously mentioned co-workers- maybe don't use that misogynistic, patronizing tone of voice with me while I'm holding a 10-inch chef's knife.
• We do not owe you gift wrap.
• I'm tired of teaching grown-ups how to line up properly.
• If you refuse to pay full price for anything, you cannot demand that we give you extra stuff for free.
• You are not special, and the rules apply to you. (I don't like rule-breakers, especially when it applies to lines and parking. It's one of the reasons my friend calls me Liz Lemon*)
• Your time constraints are not my fault, nor are they my responsibility. They are also not an excuse to bully other customers.
• We do not OWE you gift wrap.
• If your purse costs more than my car you cannot complain about how “expensive” the items you wish to purchase are.
• If it doesn't have a sale sticker on it, is not located in the sale section or under a sale sign, chances are it's not on sale. Quit asking me about EVERY SINGLE ITEM.
• Nothing in the cooking store is designed to be used as a massager. Stop rubbing the pastry tools on yourself.
• That coffee machine costs $3000. You are an adult. Stop pushing all the buttons just to see what it will do unless you have $3000 to buy the coffee machine you just broke.
• We DO NOT OWE YOU gift wrap.
• Please and thank you are still very important words. Use them often.
• Get off your phone if you want my help.
• Retail clerks are human people with feelings and thoughts. We are also dealing with Christmas stress. And yelling at me won't change anything about the situation except that you made someone else's day that much worse. I hope it made you feel better about things. (That's a lie. I hope you step on a Lego.)
• Snapping or whistling is how you get an animal's attention, not a human's.
• Don't throw your cash/credit card at me. I might be tempted to throw it back.
• It shouldn't surprise you that you have to pay, have your form of payment ready when you get to the front of the line.
• If we give you an extra discount or something for free, the correct response is “Thank You” not “What else can you give me?”
• WE DO NOT OWE YOU GIFT WRAP.

That's all for today.  One more day and then the traditional post-work holiday drinking can commence. SERENITY NOW!

*I couldn't find a decent clip of the opening :45 seconds of the 30 Rock pilot.  If you aren't already watching this show a) What is wrong with you? and b) Go watch the pilot right now.  I am Liz Lemon.  I will buy all the hot dogs.

Smell You Later

So this post really falls under the heading of General Retail/ Life Rules. I actually wrote it a few years ago, so the two of you who read it then are in for a re-run.

This post was inspired by my new retail job as I have left BookWorld and am temporarily back in Fancy Cooking retail. What really inspired this post is not so much the job as the citiizens of the town I currently work in. Glendale, California is a wholly unique retail experience that I had pretty successfully repressed from the last time I worked there. In the past few weeks it has all come rushing back to me in wave after unpleasant wave. There is a long list of things I have only experienced or experienced on an EXTREME level there. So, without further ado-

BookWench's Retail/Life Rule of the Week -

                     It's A Perfume Spray, not a Marinade

That's right folks - this week's lesson is inspired by the overwhelming number of inconsiderate people I am forced to interact with on a daily basis who feel the need to announce their presence with scent, often minutes before they themselves arrive.  Seriously people - a little dab will do you.  Now that we, as a people, have access to regular showers, deodorant and a dizzying array of bath products the need to douse ourselves in cheap perfume is no longer necessary.  In fact it's kind of aggressive and rude to the people forced to inhale your nauseating stench.  This goes double if your bottle of perfume cost less than $5 or contains the words "Designer Impostors."  Triple if I can smell your perfume from more than a foot away or can still smell it more than a minute after you leave.  Quadruple annoyance points if everything you own, including the credit card you hand me is saturated with your scent.  It's plastic people, it should not be saturated with anything.  And, finally, I should be allowed to ask you to leave my general vicinity and bestow the highest order of annoyance on you if I can TASTE your fragrance if I come within a foot of you.  (I actually had to rinse my mouth out with strong coffee the other night because I could taste a gentleman's cologne on my tongue for a solid hour after he invaded my personal space.) 

Remember - a good perfume should be used as an allure.  A subtle whiff to catch the attention of those around you and create a positive sense memory they can connect with you.  The secret to creating interest is to always leave your audience wanting more. Not to leave everyone in your wake gasping and rushing for the nearest source of fresh air. You do not want the people around you to associate you with funeral homes, Great-aunt Gertrude, or a pounding headache and the fervent hope that lunch stays down.

Please - as a fellow human being I implore everyone, especially the majority population of Glendale, CA*- go easy with the fragrances.  I promise people will still notice you even if they can't smell you coming and going.  Buy better perfume and use just a little, the world will be greatful for your restraint.  And pass this information along to any perfume abusers in your life.


*Proof that it's not just me- After posting this I watched a recent episode of Chuck - "Chuck vs the Frosted Tips" where they make a joke about a character smelling like the Glendale Galleria.  I like it when the TV proves I'm not overly judgmental.

Why My Liver Hates Sales....

As I mentioned in this previous post during sale weekends I keep my sanity by promising myself many, many adult beverages after work time is over. I keep a running tally on my left hand of how often I am asked the three most annoying sales questions. The questions also change depending on the type of sale and I limit my self to the top three so I don't end up dead of alcohol poisoning. I've included a comprehensive list below, and for the sanity of any retail worker during a sale, I ask that you really think twice before using any of them:

1. Is that with the sale discount? This comes after I have given the person their total. There is a simple way to figure this out: Is the total less than the sum of the items you've purchased? Yes - Then I took off the discount. This one is especially disturbing if they're only buying one item.
2. Is this item on sale? This question is usually asked by someone standing next to/ under/ leaning on a huge sign declaring EVERYTHING IN STORE 20% OFF. I'm always tempted to say no, they've managed to find the one item that's not on sale.
3. Can I use this other coupon/ teacher's discount on top of the sale? No. As it clearly states on the coupon/teacher discount card/ sale signs you cannot combine the sale with other discounts. I will give you the one that saves you the most money, but let's not get too greedy. I also find that this question is asked most often by the person carrying a stack of $1 clearance items. Seriously?!
4. Will you make sure the coupon is off the highest price item? a) The coupon states that the discount will come off the highest priced item b) Do you really think you're the only person in the 10 years the company has been running this promotion that wants the discount on the most expensive item? We've thought it through. c) And yes- I can tell which one is the highest priced item without you pointing it out. I'm pretty good with numbers.
5. Can I use more than one coupon today? No. I hate rule-breakers. It says one per customer, you get to use one. I'm not going to stand here and do ten different transactions to validate your cheating.

Finally – I take a double shot for any person who tries to use the coupon before the date clearly and largely printed on it. Or anyone who wants the sale to start early for them because they don't want the bother of coming back during the sale and dealing with the crowds. I would like to remind these people that they are not beautiful and unique snowflakes, and the rules do, in fact, apply to them. If you don't want to fight the crowds, you have to pay full price.

Now- if you'll excuse me I have to restock my vodka supply as last week's coupon sale depleted it.

Knowledge is Power

As my self-granted title of BookWench would indicate, I am well aware that I am not always the nicest, most patient person in the world. According to my family I have inherited what's lovingly referred to as The Bitch Gene. It's generally given to various outspoken, strong-willed, temperamental women in our family. It's a mark of pride there, but out in the real world it tends to cause some issues.

One of the major problems it causes for me in retail work is that I don't suffer fools for very long. And I don't appreciate being spoken to like I'm an idiot, especially since it's coming from people who need my help because they've never heard of the book Huckleberry Finn and have no idea where we would keep it. Since I'm not allowed to physically hurt people because of fear of legal prosecution, I'm forced to rely on beating them down with superior intelligence.

My favorite tactic, and one that several of my well-educated co-workers employ as well, is to use unnecessarily large words to answer questions or glean more information from the customer. One of our go-to favorites is asking a customer if the flowery sounding self-help title they're looking for is of a secular or non-secular bent.* That invariably ends with a confused look and a quiet request for definitions for the big scary words we've just used.

Another favorite of mine is the word colloquialism. This one usually comes up when someone asks for a translation of Mark Twain, or Shakespeare, or anything else written more than 10 years ago that doesn't pander to lowest common denominator. This question annoys/ angers me on so many levels that I'm fairly certain one day hate lasers will actually come out of my eyes because of it. So, to calm the rage monster, I explain that you cannot, in fact, translate English to English, and the only thing that really changes (especially from Twain) are the colloquialisms of the time. I don't know if it's the palpable rage, or the big scary word, but that usually shuts people up.

Another favorite trick is proper pronunciation. If you come up to me and ask me a question in a condescending way while mispronouncing the title or author you're looking for, I will proceed to correct your pronunciation as often as I can during the course of our interaction. You want Goethe's Faust? Did you talk to me as if I'm a three year old? I will be shoving the proper German pronunciation down your throat until you choke on it. (Again, I am aware that I am sometimes very mean. At least I've stopped throwing large appliances at people. And, yes, I'm being serious.)

Finally, the intellectual pissing contest reaches a peak with books with the same title. Most of the time it's some smug dude asking for The Art of War, who often feel the need to preface the question by calling me sweetie. This is NEVER a good idea with me, as there's no way to say it to an adult stranger without sounding patronizing. So my response is always “Sun-Tzu or Machiavelli?” I know they want the Sun-Tzu, as very few people are aware that Machiavelli wrote one as well. Moreover, since most people looking for the Art of War have no idea what it actually is, or who wrote it, they tend to freeze because they have no idea which one they want. All they know is that they think they will look both intelligent and manly by reading it. Having read it, I can guarantee that 98% of the people I've sold that book to will not make it past the chapter about the most strategic placement of your horses in relation to your archers.

Just remember – just because we work in retail doesn't mean we're stupid. (Some of us are, don't get me wrong. I work with a handful of mental midgets right now who would be confused by this post. In fact, one of them used the word “currenter” today when describing the age of textbooks.) So before you assume that you're asking one of the idiots a question bear in mind that fear of jail time is all that's keeping the smart ones from causing you bodily harm.

*If Arrested Development taught us nothing else they taught us the difference between secular and non-secular (“Meet the Veals”)...and that chickens don't clap.

BookWench is currently reading Mad Queens and Kings by Alison Rattle and Allison Vale, because insane people with ultimate power are always an entertaining read.

Memorial Day Special - Now With Extra Rage!

Today is Memorial Day, and in traditional American fashion most retail establishments are having sales, because that's how we honor presidents, military personnel, religious holidays, and laborers. (Except those who labor in retail. I'm sure in September there will be a longer post about my hatred of that particular “holiday”) The reason there are sales is because most people have the day off and would like to spend it shopping with everyone else who has the day off. Now let's do the math: discounts + free time = more customers in stores which means those stores need more staff on hand. Which means that, for the average retail worker, today is not a holiday, it is a super-busy, super-crowded, very stressful, un-fun day of work.

Which is why I have taken it upon myself to help my retail cohorts by sharing some basic rules/ guidelines for shopping on this, or any other, holiday weekend. Despite my aforementioned extra rage, I don't believe that people are intending to be mean. (Mostly. I hope.) I feel it's just a lack of thought or a matter of people functioning on small talk autopilot. Keep in mind – those of us working in retail aren't enjoying a long weekend, hanging out with the family/ friends, or picking up a bargain before heading off to the lake, we're working. Hard.

Armed with that knowledge here are some things not to say to retail people today (And what we would like to say in response):

“Isn't the weather perfect for the long weekend?”

            (I don't know, I've been inside this building all day, and it's not a long weekend for me)

“I'm so glad you're open on the holidays so I can shop on my day off!”

          (Thank you for reminding me that you have an extra day off and I don't.)

“So you have any big plans for the holiday?”

         (Work. Then drink a double shot for every asinine sale-related question I've been 

            forced to answer over the last four days.)*

“Wow, you guys are really busy this weekend.”

      (*sarcasm* Really?! I hadn't noticed.)

It's usually best just to avoid mentioning that it's a holiday at all. We're very well aware as there are huge sale signs hanging all around us proclaiming the joyous news, and we can't move two steps without running into someone who urgently needs our undivided attention. Instead try adding a little extra nice, and a little extra patience, and you may provide that hint of hope that prevents a sales clerk from losing it and having to spend some serious time in the whimpering spot.

*During sales I keep a tally on my hand of how many times I get asked my top three asinine sales questions, and at the end of each day of the sale I have that many adult beverages. What are these magic questions?– Stay Tuned for this and more as the Adventures Of BookWench continue.

Allison Reynolds thinks your purse is too big...

For those of you who haven't seen The Breakfast Club and are confused by the title I shall explain. (And shame on you- that movie is awesome) Ally Sheedy plays Allison Reynolds, a character that carries a ginormous purse holding everything she would need to run away from home. The other characters comment on its unnecessary largeness. So – if that character thinks your purse is too big, it's really time to rethink your accessories.

This problem is becoming more and more widespread and dangerous. Some women are seriously carrying bags that I could use to pack for a week-long trip. What are people hiding in there? And why? I'm a girl and I don't even know what goes on in those things. (And if the answer is “a dog” it makes me even more irate.)

My major problem with these behemoths as a retail clerk is that it takes people far, far too long to find anything in them. If you know it takes you ten minutes to find your wallet underneath the loose receipts, bags of cookies, an entire Mac counter's worth of cosmetics, full sized bottles of lotion, drinks, and puppies then you need to do that before you even get in line to pay. And gods forfend that your debit card got loose and you then have to dump all of that purse detritus on a counter to dig it out. I will not wait for you, I will move to another register and ring up the customer who has easier access to their method of payment. And I absolutely will not help you play the unending game of purse Tetris required to get all of that stuff back in the bag.

My other, and much more personal, problem with these bags occurs with some regularity as I work and when I shop. The problem is this – most women carrying these bags have no idea how large they are, and don't care at all if they hit you with them. I have been repeatedly smacked in the face, side, back of the head, butt, all over really, by idiot women with overly large purses. And those things hurt, as I think some of these women are carrying tire irons, curling irons, clothing irons, seriously, WHAT is in these things?! And I have never had anyone apologize for it, even when they become aware that they have hit me. One day I'm going to really loose it and hit them back with my tiny, compact, but solid purse. If you choose to carry a purse that's three times as wide as you are then you need to be aware of how large your kill radius has become. I've seen women hit small children with them and not even notice, or care that they caused a child to cry so that they would never be more than an arms reach away from their Costco sized bottle of aspirin. (Which they should be freely sharing with those they injure.)

So – if anyone can a) justify the purse that won't fit in most overhead compartments, b) tell me what's inside these things, or c) come up with a subtle, but appropriate retaliation for the next person who hits me with one – leave it in the comments.

Stay tuned for the next in this three part accessories series – The Costanza Wallet.....

BookWench is currently reading An Object of Beauty by Steve Martin. I cannot recommend his works highly enough, especially Shopgirl.

Step Away From the Monkey

I firmly believe that the purchasing department of any retail store is an excellent place to score the best mind-altering drugs on the market. This is the only rationale I have been able to come up with to explain/ justify the mind-boggling number and sheer strangeness of the various non-book items I have been forced to deal with as a bookseller. One of my co-workers loves to save the craziest stuff for me to see what level disdainful look/ whimpering noise I will make when I see this stuff. (Or how I can spin it to make it dirty. I have some theories about the more adult direction the company I currently work for is heading.) My disdain and whimpering hit dangerous levels when the weird stuff comes with the ability to make noise. Noises that I am forced to hear over and over and over again during my already interminable days in BookWorld.

Over the years I have seen stuffed birds that chirped, a 40-Year-Old Virgin doll that shouted lines from the movies, and a stuffed rooster that both crowed and walked around.  Currently I share a store with incredibly loud screaming stuffed slingshot monkeys. Try as I might I cannot fathom how these monkeys are supposed to tie in to the whole “bookstore” thing we're trying to accomplish. In fact they make it really hard to remember the alphabet, or who wrote Cry The Beloved Country, because the blinding rage takes over all my functioning brain cells, and I think the pitch and decibel of these toys does something to my central nervous system. It also makes it make it really hard to maintain control over my all-consuming desire to slap someone.

This is one of those situations in which I would love to enact some retail worker justice. I feel some sort of punishment should be meted out to those who break the following rules:

BookWench's Retail Rules for Noisy Crap

1. If you are over 10 and insist on making it make noise just to see how annoyed the staff becomes. If you notice how annoyed the staff are becoming and continue to do it and have the audacity to laugh your punishment becomes more severe.
2. If you/ your child make it make noise more than three times.
3. If you/ your child press more than one of the offending items at once, creating a symphony of auditory horror better suited to Dante's inferno.

The Punishments - you have two choices:

a) buy the offending noisy thing at a 300% markup to pay for the psychological care (aka booze) for affected staff members

or

b) be locked in a small space with a multitude of the noisy things going off non-stop for 2 minutes. Possibly while also being forced to listen to some great easy listening hits of the 70's.  Or Celine Dion. 

So parents – watch/ manage your children. (The punishment falls to you for anyone under 10 violating the rules.) Retail shoppers – use your power of dirty looks to shame people. And if any of you ever meet anyone who works in the purchasing department for a bookstore kick them in the goods for me. (Then steal their happy pills and mail them to me.) 

It's Like Rain on Your Wedding Day

No, Alanis, it's not ironic...it's karma.

If you are planning an outdoor wedding (or really any type of wedding) at any point in your life the next post may be helpful to your eventual success. Forget the meteorologists, or the fates or the weather gods, the person you need to show respect to is the bookstore clerk at the store where you're planning your wedding.

I don't know exactly when this phenomenon started, but in most of my time in BookWorld the table in the local bookstore is the preferred place to do all wedding planning. I do understand, there's easy access to wedding magazines, books, coffee, all the important tools to make your special day truly magical. However: planning brides have to rank in my Top 5 most hated customer groups. I realize the bride is the most important person in the world on your actual wedding day, at the wedding, and generally only to the people who love you. This super-specialness does not apply at the bookstore. (Unless you're getting married at the bookstore, which I saw on an episode of TLC's A Wedding Story. True fact.)

So brides-to-be, do you want to rack up some bonus karma points to avoid floods, fires, food poisoning and family brawls on your special day? Then follow these few simple hints:

1.    If you want to spend time in a bookstore's cafe to plan your wedding order more than one cup of coffee, especially if you're going to be there for eight hours. (Yes, I've seen people sit there for eight hours, they may have stayed longer, but after eight hours I left.)

2.   When you have removed one copy of every wedding magazine and book from the bookstore shelves and looked through them, buy something. I know those magazines are expensive, but if you're planning to drop $2,000-$20,000 on a dress you'll wear once you can shell out the $7 for the magazine you found it in. Or, buy a book not related to weddings. Maybe something for your fiance. Consider it rent for the wear and tear to merchandise

   2a) If you have ripped, folded, spilled coffee on or put post it notes in a book – congratulations! It's now your book. Go pay for it.

   2b) No, we cannot “just copy this one page” for you. Buy the book.

3)    There's a magical place in almost every city and town called a library. It's designed to be a place where you can stay for hours and look at books and magazines, and then you can check out the books and take them home FOR FREE! They don't allow coffee or talking, but you can run in, grab books, and take them to a coffee shop or your house to do those things.

4)    Don't move the furniture. If you have gathered together so many books, or all 20 of your bridesmaids to help in this planning session, you need to pare down to what can comfortably fit at one table. If this is impossible, then -surprise, surprise- buy the books you need, get the books from the library, and find a space that can accommodate you.

5)    Put the books back where you found them. You found the wedding section once, you can do it again. If you can't, clean up your mess, find a nearby employee and say the following sentence “I'm really, really sorry, but I can't be bothered to put these back where I found them. Could you do it?” That's right, I appreciate your honesty more than your lying condescension. So if you don't want to clean up you have to eat crow and admit you're selfish and lazy.

Following these rules should ensure that your local booksellers won't be petitioning the Patron Saint of Beaten Down Retail Workers to help in bringing about the annihilation of your wedding day. Cleaning up the massive piles of books and trash left heaped on the tables gives us plenty of time to entreat an entire pantheon of various religious figures to add a mystical dash of chaos to your wedding.

BookWench is still reading Allison Hewitt is Trapped, but I did take a break to read Volumes 6-8 of Preacher by Garth Ennis.

Things I'm Uppity About

Occasionally annoying things occur in BookWorld that are universally annoying in any form of human interaction. In order to make life better for all of my brethren working in any retail I'm writing a rulebook for basic, polite customer behavior. You can all be on the lookout for violations of the rules and shame people who break them in your presence. (Unless you are on the clock at the place you work, then you'll get in trouble.) If we all band together and demand a certain level of courtesy from our fellow travelers in this journey of life the world may just be a better place.

And after that little burst of crazy, I present BookWench's Retail Law #1:

If you want to talk to a sales clerk, that better be the only thing you're doing with your mouth.

As a child my mother impressed upon me the importance of not talking with my mouth full. This rule applies to places that aren't the dinner table. If you are talking with another human being this rule needs to be adhered to. (I don't care what you do when you're talking to robots, but phone robots probably don't understand you with a full mouth either.) At various times I have had people talk to me while actively using a toothpick, eating an apple (the core of which they then left on the counter, but that's another post), smacking on the world's largest wad of grape gum, and, on different occasions, eating ice cream cones, an eggroll, and french fries.

Seriously people, I may be a sales clerk, but I'm still a person. I don't want to watch you eat, or be sprayed by bits of what you're eating/ picking out of your teeth, I really don't get paid enough to deal with that. Put down the food, throw away the toothpick and the gum, then we can talk. Until then I'm going to either ignore you or plot several ways to kill you with that f&*^ing toothpick.

Thanks to my wonderful younger sibling for the awesome title! 

Book Wench is currently reading People Are Unappealing by Sara Barron

An Update:  The day after I posted this I rang up a customer with one of those toothpicks with a tiny toothbrush on one end.  So not only was she spitting at me while trying to talk around a toothpick, but I could still see all the chunks of food stuck in the toothbrush end.  Why? Just…why?