Literary Resolutions

Happy 2013 everyone! Amongst my many other personal resolutions, my professional resolutions involve writing far more posts for the blog this year. I've got a lot of ideas for recurring series of posts and thought I'd start the new year with one of those.

Inspired by my blog crush* Sam Greenspan of 11 Points, I've decided to do some Top 11 lists of my own, and my literary resolutions seemed like an excellent starting point.

The following 11 books are literary classics that somehow I've not read. Most people covered these in various English classes, but due to some weird departmental shuffling in high school and some oddly niche college Literature classes, I missed out on some widely read works. I narrowed the list down to books I felt I actually wanted to read and set them as part of my reading goal for 2013. (The to-read spreadsheet on my computer is up to 982 titles, so I have to narrow my focus into something manageable.) So here they are, in no particular order:

Top 11 Missed Classics I Resolve to Read in 2013

1. Pride and Prejudice/ Sense and Sensibility – Jane Austen – The fact that I have not read these books is one of the major reasons I question how well I'm doing at the whole “being a girl” thing. I've read Emma, I've watched most of the BBC adaptations of her work, but somehow I've never sat down and read these two major works by one of the most important classic female authors. I vow to get through at least one of these.
2. Tale of Two Cities – Charles Dickens – Somehow in my Dickens phase in college I missed out on what is considered to be his greatest work. In my defense, I have read The Old Curiosity Shop, so I feel like my lit-nerd cred is still pretty solid.
3. Any of Mark Twain's novels – Mark Twain is one of my favorite thinkers of the 19^th Century, but I've never finished one of his novels. I love his letters, short non-fiction, and random thoughts, but my entire knowledge of Huck Finn comes from a Classics for Kids version I read when I was eight.
4. Ulysses – James Joyce – This is the one I'm worried about actually finishing since I hated reading Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man. However, Ulysses is referenced in several other books that I love, so I feel obligated to give it a try. It might actually take me all of 2013 to get thorough it.
5. Of Mice and Men – John Steinbeck – One of those works of literature I can reference, and fake it enough to sound like I've read it, so I feel like I should end the charade and read the book. 
6. War & Peace/ Anna Karenina – Leo Tolstoy – I've read a few of the other big names in Russian literature, but I've missed out on Tolstoy. I'll be happy if I make it through one, both may be pushing it.
7. Dracula – Bram Stoker – Another one I'm worried about finishing, mostly because I tend not to enjoy epistolary- style novels. Case in point – I love the play and the movie version of Dangerous Liaisons, I do not enjoy the source novel nearly as much. Plus, I read so many other books that involve vampires, I feel I have to read the one that started it all.
8. Vanity Fair – William Thackeray – This one I'm genuinely looking forward to reading. Becky Sharp has always sounded like a heroine I can get behind and enjoy, this list just gives me the push to make the time to read her story.
9. Don Quixote – Cervantes – Another one I feel really bad about having missed. I would like to work some aspects of Cervantes and this book into the show I write, so this one is a priority.
10. King John – Shakespeare – One of the Bard's I haven't read. My main motivation for reading it would be to really throw off a future cast of The Complete Works of Shakespeare (Abridged), because I will see that play again, and I want to test their improv skills.
11. The Scarlet Pimpernel – Baron Orczy – Makes the list entirely because it serves as the framework for one of my favorite episodes of Black Adder the Third. 

That seems like a decent start to my 2013 reading list. I'm hoping to read at least one new book a week, so I just need to pick 41 more to round out the year. I'm also hoping to post here at least once a week, so be sure to check back regularly! 

 *What? That's a thing. Oh, and go read his blog, it's awesome.

Happy Festivus!

After spending eight hours performing feats of strength involving carrying heavy kitchen things,  I've decided it's time for the traditional Airing of Grievances. (What? It's part of Festivus.) Keep in mind that these are just my grievances from today. Some of them will become longer posts later, but here they are, in short form, and in no particular order:

• It is December 23. You will have to wait in a line for a little bit. We are going to be sold out of a lot of stuff. Learn to deal with it or next year, shop early.
• Seven separate transactions on the same credit card, going to the same place...can you really not do the math and figure out how much 6- $1 cookie cutters would be?
• Hey lazy co-worker- perhaps if I'm dealing with the line of 20 angry shoppers, you could walk your happy ass around the counter and get whatever it is you needed on your own.  Maybe while you're back there you could help out with the giant line.
• Oh, and smelly co-worker- Shower. Wash your clothes. And if you “accidentally” touch the side of my breast one more time I will “accidentally” kick you in the balls.
• Finally, both previously mentioned co-workers- maybe don't use that misogynistic, patronizing tone of voice with me while I'm holding a 10-inch chef's knife.
• We do not owe you gift wrap.
• I'm tired of teaching grown-ups how to line up properly.
• If you refuse to pay full price for anything, you cannot demand that we give you extra stuff for free.
• You are not special, and the rules apply to you. (I don't like rule-breakers, especially when it applies to lines and parking. It's one of the reasons my friend calls me Liz Lemon*)
• Your time constraints are not my fault, nor are they my responsibility. They are also not an excuse to bully other customers.
• We do not OWE you gift wrap.
• If your purse costs more than my car you cannot complain about how “expensive” the items you wish to purchase are.
• If it doesn't have a sale sticker on it, is not located in the sale section or under a sale sign, chances are it's not on sale. Quit asking me about EVERY SINGLE ITEM.
• Nothing in the cooking store is designed to be used as a massager. Stop rubbing the pastry tools on yourself.
• That coffee machine costs $3000. You are an adult. Stop pushing all the buttons just to see what it will do unless you have $3000 to buy the coffee machine you just broke.
• We DO NOT OWE YOU gift wrap.
• Please and thank you are still very important words. Use them often.
• Get off your phone if you want my help.
• Retail clerks are human people with feelings and thoughts. We are also dealing with Christmas stress. And yelling at me won't change anything about the situation except that you made someone else's day that much worse. I hope it made you feel better about things. (That's a lie. I hope you step on a Lego.)
• Snapping or whistling is how you get an animal's attention, not a human's.
• Don't throw your cash/credit card at me. I might be tempted to throw it back.
• It shouldn't surprise you that you have to pay, have your form of payment ready when you get to the front of the line.
• If we give you an extra discount or something for free, the correct response is “Thank You” not “What else can you give me?”
• WE DO NOT OWE YOU GIFT WRAP.

That's all for today.  One more day and then the traditional post-work holiday drinking can commence. SERENITY NOW!

*I couldn't find a decent clip of the opening :45 seconds of the 30 Rock pilot.  If you aren't already watching this show a) What is wrong with you? and b) Go watch the pilot right now.  I am Liz Lemon.  I will buy all the hot dogs.

My Lady-Heroes

So in my last post I gave everyone a very long and overly detailed description of how I planned to structure book reviews on my blog. In this post I will throw all of that structure out the window and review two books from a completely emotional place.

To give a little background to the emotional foundation this post is built upon I'm going to reveal some more of my back story, nothing too traumatic, so everyone can keep reading safely. Before I was BookWench I had another lovely and aggressive nickname – Feminazi. Somehow the boys in my middle school in Texas were given access to Rush Limbaugh, and my tendency to argue that women were just as good as men, and to challenge conservative gender roles led to years of me being stuck with a label that makes me both angry and somehow proud. The past few months have led to that particular facet of my personality coming back to the forefront as I watched the conversations about women happening on the national political level, as well as on a personal and familial one. Somehow women were taking a giant step backwards and I was not about to let the young women I know/ am related to become complacent and allow that to happen. The rage was reaching epic levels, but then a well-timed reading of a book brought me some hope, as it often does.

I immediately took to Facebook and posted the following “If you have a teenage girl, know a teenage girl, or still have an inner teenage girl go out and buy them Mindy Kaling's Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? and pair it with Tina Fey's Bossypants. I feel like those two books could guarantee a future generation of smart, funny, classy women who could rule the world. Seriously.” And while it may seem odd to pin my hopes for the future of my gender on two comedy writers, they provide accessible and humorous guides to becoming an awesome, smart, powerful woman. They are women who have fought their way to the top of a male-dominated industry without sacrificing their femininity, grace and intelligence. I strive everyday to be more like these ladies, and I hope that I can convince some of my younger cousins to set aside the Twilight books and pick up a book with a more honest view of teenage girl-hood, and give them some real role models to follow. And after Tina and Mindy have amused them and taught them some important life lessons we can point them to the record-breaking number of women holding positions of power in government and give them a wide range of lady-heroes. Even in my adult life, reading both of these books gave me things to aspire towards as a woman, as a writer, and as a person. These women are the kind of people I want as friends, as well as the kind of person I want to be, and somehow they manage to make it all seem entirely do-able.

So- I encourage everyone to go out and read these books. Right now. Give them to everyone you know for upcoming gift-giving holidays. Give them to teenage girls to help create a generation of smart, funny, powerful women. Give them to teenage boys to teach them that they should want to befriend/date/marry smart, funny, powerful women, because in my opinion those men are few and far between. I value the men I know who have already discovered this, they are precious and rare and I wish more of them were straight/single/wanted to date me. Give them to adults to help them find two more names to add to their fantasy night at the bar guest list. (That's something everyone has, right?) They're quick reads, but with depth and intelligence that seems to be lacking in a lot of today's bestsellers. I cannot recommend them enough.

In closing- some quotes from my new imaginary best friends:

“...write your own part. It is the only way I've gotten anywhere. It is much harder work, but sometimes you have to take destiny into your own hands. It forces you to think about what your strengths really are, and once you find them, you can showcase them, and no one can stop you.” - Mindy Kaling, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns)

“So, my unsolicited advice to women in the workplace is this. When faced with sexism, or ageism, or lookism, or even really aggressive Buddhism, ask yourself the following question: “Is this person in between me and what I want to do?” If the answer is no, ignore it and move on. Your energy is better used doing your work and outpacing people that way. Then, when you’re in charge, don’t hire the people who were jerky to you.” - Tina Fey, Bossypants

Coming Soon to a Blog Near You!

After slogging through hundreds of book blogs in the last few weeks in an attempt to get some of them to review my show, I've decided to make another attempt at reviewing books on this blog.  Clearly, it's not because the Internet needs more book reviews, or because people are clamoring for my opinion, but because I feel like my voice, and the books I would want to focus on, aren't being represented.  It would also justify the large stacks of books I lug home from the library twice a week.

I will still be writing my typical Wench-y musings on life in BookWorld/ retail, and my own literary annoyances, but hopefully these reviews will show that my anger stems from a place of true love for the written word, and respect for the people who create it.

I won't be doing the typical star rating system, or thumbs up, or a scale of kisses/hearts/stilettos that I saw on far too many review sites.  Instead I'll write a brief synopsis and then include the following sections to offer my opinion:

Recommend- Pretty much a yes/no breakdown, and specifications as to who would enjoy it.  I'll try to tie it in to other books/genres since I'm well aware that not everyone will agree with my particular tastes.

Genre - I'll include a real genre to give some idea as to where you'd find it in a bookstore, but also narrow it down by my own imaginary sub-genres.  (Isn't that how all of you inventory your personal libraries? No.  Just me then…)

Post-It Flags-  This is as close to a numerical rating as I can get.  Generally when I read a book I have Post-It flags at the ready to mark interesting passages, things that make me laugh or cry, quotes I like, or things I want to research further.   Really anything that resonates with me to the point that I know I'll want to revisit it or try to understand it better.  It's also how I decide if a book needs to be part of the permanent collection - if I've borrowed a book and it gets more than 10-15 flags it's earned a spot on my shelf.  If it's something I own and it doesn't pass the flag test, chances are it gets traded in for something else.

Favorite Quotes-  I collect quotes the way other people collect shot glasses/figurines/baseball cards/cats.  I have books that I've painstakingly handwritten and embellished full of quotes that I love, or that make the world seem vaguely rational and understandable.  I've found that even in books I don't particularly like I'll stumble upon a sentence that makes me think, or rises above the rest of the book and makes the reading of it not a complete waste of time.   So I'll pull one or two quotes from the book I'm reviewing to intrigue you, or possibly make you question my sanity.

I won't review everything I read, because sometimes I read mindless, entertaining drivel.  I'm well aware it has no literary merit, so there's no reason to share my book-shame with others.  I'll try to keep it classy here - which is not to say I'll only be reviewing classics by old white men, just that I won't try to do an in-depth review of a Laurell K. Hamilton book.

Anyway - it's something to be on the lookout for.  Let me know if you have any book suggestions or things you'd like to see me discuss in a review.

Shameless Promotion

Hello Lovely Readers!!

This mini-post is to let you all know that the website for the series I wrote is now up and running.  If you have a few minutes please go check it out.  We've added some great behind the scenes footage and bonus content, plus all three episodes.

 Click here:  http://literallydysfunctional.com/

And if you have a blog, or anyone you know has a blog please feel free to share the link.  Our goal is to make a show for people who love books, and to honor the written word in a visual medium.  That and to make people act out my weird fantasies of what would happen if Jay Gatsby and Scarlett O'Hara met.

Go.  Watch. Share (please!!!).

Just remember - if this show is a success I can leave retail.  And that's really the best outcome for everyone involved.

Thanks again.
BookWench 

Part Memorial/ Part Love Note

This post leaves BookWorld, because sometimes the larger world intrudes...

I know it's been several weeks since the Aurora, CO shootings, but sometimes it takes me a while to come up with the right words for certain situations. I'm not vain enough to think that many people care about my opinion on what happened, but as we learned from Rent “The opposite of war isn't peace, it's creation.” And in order to attempt to wrap my brain around such a random violent act I've undertaken this act of creation.* 

I've gone to the movies twice since it happened, once to see The Dark Knight Rises. I will admit that both times I was hyper-aware of people getting up and leaving the theater, or even just shifting in their seats. Much like when I flew back to New York in October 2001, there was a completely different feeling in the room. An act that we all viewed as normal, or sometimes exciting, had been transformed into something completely alien and vaguely threatening. As we all tried to adjust to the new world created from acts of horrible violence the whole experience took on a more serious and somber tone. It was not something I had ever expected to feel in a movie theatre, the place we all go to escape reality, now suddenly oppressively weighted with it.

And much like flying now comes with a new set of rules, so does going to the movies. Most of the major chains are banning any sort of masks and fake weaponry in theaters, some are even starting bag searches and talks of metal detectors. While I completely understand and support these measures, it does make me a little sad as well.

Some of the happiest times in my adult life have occurred at midnight movie screenings. It always involves a large group of my friends and even family and an even larger groups of total strangers gathering together for a single purpose. Since most midnight screenings involve really geek-centric movies there were always great costumes on display. I once went to a Harry Potter screening where I sat in front of Princess Leia and Indiana Jones, and they were a lot of fun to talk to while we waited excitedly for our movie to start. I almost never engage in small talk with strangers, but somehow all those rules fall away for midnight movie screenings. There's always a sense of camaraderie and shared passions and pure joy at seeing something we've all been waiting for. It's a completely different experience than seeing a movie at any other time during the run – people applaud and cheer, no one texts or talks to their friends – we're all there to be completely transported to a new world. (One of my favorite moments was when an entire theater of Potter fans boo'd a Twilight trailer. Awesome. Then later when that same audience went silent as we watched Severus Snape make the ultimate sacrifice and show us an amazing love story.) I hope that theaters don't decide to take these midnight movies away from us, but, more importantly, I hope people don't stop going to them.

I don't think we should forget what happened in Colorado, but we can't let the actions of one disturbed man ruin one of the few ways we as a community gather together to share in a common interest. And we can't blame the movies, because it's not Christopher Nolan's fault that someone took his art and used it as a backdrop for his violent act. We all need the escape that the movies provide, and we also need the emotional catharsis that art, when done well, can provide for us.

So I will absolutely be there with the rest of my nerdy brethren at the midnight release for Frankenweenie. And The Hobbit. I'll leave behind my Wench-y personality for a few hours and talk to the other fans as we wait in long, cold lines to be transported away to magical worlds full of new and old fictional friends, refusing, as all good heroes do, to let the bad guys win.

*One of my heroes, Kevin Smith, expounds upon this idea at the beginning of his podcast Fat Man on Batman #8. I highly recommend giving the first fifteen minutes a listen.

Darker Shades of Rage

This one gets even more down and dirty, and personal, so proceed with caution friends and relatives.  And faint hearted strangers...

I thought I had gotten all of my rage out in the last post about the 50 Shades phenomenon, but then I saw this...

And then I decided to write a sequel.

It's kind of hard to put my rage into words that wouldn't get bleeped on network television. While I love those words, and use them often, I try to be a little more elevated with my vocabulary on this site. Just know that under all of this is a very heartfelt f*ck you.

The reason this, and the whole 50 Shades thing, makes me so mad is this continued idea that there's something wrong with people who are into bondage and dominance play without the holy sanction of reading these books. Liking to get spanked does not inherently make someone a bad person. Or a mean person. Or in need of a therapist. Or a potentially violent sociopath. It just means that the pain/pleasure centers in our brains play really nicely together. It has virtually no bearing on our moral compasses or our interactions with the world.

Additionally – nothing takes the fun out of a BDSM scene like someone worrying that they're not being “nice” enough. Stopping all the time to question the other person, tentative spanks, and extremely loose knots ruin the illusion and the moment. The pain and the implied danger are what make it fun. Constantly hearing “Oh my god, was that too hard?” does not. That's why you have safe words (or gestures if you're gagged.)

So Shady Ladies, or Wicked Christian's Bitches, or whatever your fandom has named itself, if you do find this new world you've entered into arousing and you want to play in the scene being condescending and judgemental about it is not the way to gain entree. There's quite enough anti-kinkster feeling floating around without people attempting to bring it into the community.

Oh – and to further shatter your illusions- the best place to find men willing to dominate you isn't Wall Street, or in the mythical handsome billionaires club. Generally those guys are the ones keeping all the professional lady-doms in business. The best place to find the guys willing to tie you down and spank you – Renaissance Faires and Sci-Fi Conventions. That's right ladies- those Star Trek nerds you mocked in high school, they're the ones with the best dungeons and toys. In fact last week at Comic-Con I can guarantee you that hotel rooms across San Diego were host to scenes of Batman tying up Wonder Woman and flogging her until she invoked the safe word. (Which was probably Superman. Nothing takes the power out of little Batman like hearing the name of that Kryptonian goody-two-shoes.) So run with that image next time you pick up your “naughty” books.

I realize I've devoted a lot of space to these books, and over-shared about my own personal life, but I really feel strongly about the things I brought up here. Growing up in a fairly conservative area and knowing that the women who led the pack in a lot of slut-shaming and pearl clutching are now shelling out cash for these books and acting like they discovered BDSM is pretty insulting and hypocritical. I've had these women ask me why I would ever want to read The Sexual Life of Catherine M, or inform me that the library would never stock something like Juliette. And clearly, from the title of the companion book I just presented, there is still a stigma attached to my interests. That somehow because I came into my kinks pre-Gray they're still evil and wrong, because I didn't go about it in the majority-approved fashion. And sometimes choking on hypocrisy makes me really angry.

I'll close once again by saying that if these books do actually open up some honest and non-judgemental dialog about sex and kinks and pleasure that will be great. Unfortunately I just don't see that happening. But what do I know? According to the Macleods, I'm not a nice person.