Sunday, December 23, 2012

Happy Festivus!

After spending eight hours performing feats of strength involving carrying heavy kitchen things,  I've decided it's time for the traditional Airing of Grievances. (What? It's part of Festivus.) Keep in mind that these are just my grievances from today. Some of them will become longer posts later, but here they are, in short form, and in no particular order:
  • It is December 23. You will have to wait in a line for a little bit. We are going to be sold out of a lot of stuff. Learn to deal with it or next year, shop early.
  • Seven separate transactions on the same credit card, going to the same place...can you really not do the math and figure out how much 6- $1 cookie cutters would be?
  • Hey lazy co-worker- perhaps if I'm dealing with the line of 20 angry shoppers, you could walk your happy ass around the counter and get whatever it is you needed on your own.  Maybe while you're back there you could help out with the giant line.
  • Oh, and smelly co-worker- Shower. Wash your clothes. And if you “accidentally” touch the side of my breast one more time I will “accidentally” kick you in the balls.
  • Finally, both previously mentioned co-workers- maybe don't use that misogynistic, patronizing tone of voice with me while I'm holding a 10-inch chef's knife.
  • We do not owe you gift wrap.
  • I'm tired of teaching grown-ups how to line up properly.
  • If you refuse to pay full price for anything, you cannot demand that we give you extra stuff for free.
  • You are not special, and the rules apply to you. (I don't like rule-breakers, especially when it applies to lines and parking. It's one of the reasons my friend calls me Liz Lemon*)
  • Your time constraints are not my fault, nor are they my responsibility. They are also not an excuse to bully other customers.
  • We do not OWE you gift wrap.
  • If your purse costs more than my car you cannot complain about how “expensive” the items you wish to purchase are.
  • If it doesn't have a sale sticker on it, is not located in the sale section or under a sale sign, chances are it's not on sale. Quit asking me about EVERY SINGLE ITEM.
  • Nothing in the cooking store is designed to be used as a massager. Stop rubbing the pastry tools on yourself.
  • That coffee machine costs $3000. You are an adult. Stop pushing all the buttons just to see what it will do unless you have $3000 to buy the coffee machine you just broke.
  • We DO NOT OWE YOU gift wrap.
  • Please and thank you are still very important words. Use them often.
  • Get off your phone if you want my help.
  • Retail clerks are human people with feelings and thoughts. We are also dealing with Christmas stress. And yelling at me won't change anything about the situation except that you made someone else's day that much worse. I hope it made you feel better about things. (That's a lie. I hope you step on a Lego.)
  • Snapping or whistling is how you get an animal's attention, not a human's.
  • Don't throw your cash/credit card at me. I might be tempted to throw it back.
  • It shouldn't surprise you that you have to pay, have your form of payment ready when you get to the front of the line.
  • If we give you an extra discount or something for free, the correct response is “Thank You” not “What else can you give me?”
That's all for today.  One more day and then the traditional post-work holiday drinking can commence. SERENITY NOW!

*I couldn't find a decent clip of the opening :45 seconds of the 30 Rock pilot.  If you aren't already watching this show a) What is wrong with you? and b) Go watch the pilot right now.  I am Liz Lemon.  I will buy all the hot dogs.